A letter from the founder, Lilli, on the source of inspiration and origin story of how this online magazine came to be.

Skimming through old pieces of writing I stumbled upon a letter to my 20-year-old self which I wrote at the age of 25. It brings to light a solution to the heaviness I’ve recently felt. The quote goes:

“You are not broken, faulty, or wrong for thinking and feeling ‘too much’. Yes, life will sometimes feel like hell because you experience the same contrasting depth in joy, love and passion as you do in pain. Embrace that part of you, use it to your power, and trust that all darkness eventually turns into light. Don’t dim your own flame just to let others shine brighter around you.”

Most of the memories from my late teens to early 20s are buried under a grey, hazy blur. At the time I did not know what I was feeling nor how to deal with such big emotions. So, I shoved all that gunk deep down and pretended like it didn’t exist. 

I held everything within me and if suddenly any of it became difficult to handle, I was quick to let self-loathing beat me down for feeling too much. Other ‘go to’ ways to numb out what I was feeling were to dissociate, binge drink on nights out, or sleep through the entire day. For a moment these let me escape into another reality. A dream reality where I didn’t live in a constant state of fear, apathy, guilt or shame.

Others around me were ill equipped to aid the turmoil I expressed. Comments such as “you’re too sensitive!”, “stop being so dramatic”, “life’s not that serious”, and the worst of all – “can’t you just be happy? You are so ungrateful!” only twisted the knife deeper into my heart. If it had been possible to “just shake off” the turmoil, pain and how alone I felt in these thoughts, I would have done that. It seems society doesn’t teach us how to support ourselves and others in these moments of vulnerability.

This deep sense of loneliness was accompanied by an aching emptiness. One that could no longer be filled with anything extrinsic; friends, material things, external validation or accomplishments. Even the unhealthy coping mechanisms that once numbed the painful thoughts and emptiness, now only left me in a vicious cycle spiralling downwards.

I remember waking up one morning, with trails of dried-up tears running down my cheeks, to the self-pitying thought “I’m alone…”. Then it clicked. I have to choose myself. 

I’m alone! A surge of energy and hope ran through me. This was the consistency upon which I was going to build my new life upon. I decided to choose myself fully from that moment on. I am the only person I will spend my entire life with and only I truly know what is going on in my mind. I decided no matter what it would take I would rise to the occasion and take responsibility. 

In taking responsibility for our own healing and tending to our own wounds we can choose to create with others and add to each other’s lives in meaningful ways.

In my commitment to myself, I now create an open space for my uncomfortable emotions with compassion and curiosity in a way I couldn’t before. In the past, I betrayed parts of myself in one way or another for friendships, relationships and other connections. I gave so much of myself away from that over time it felt like I had nothing left. I felt completely lost to myself and no longer knew who I was.

Now I realise that it isn’t my responsibility to carry everyone else’s emotions. I must first fill my own cup and choose when to create an open space for someone, so that I can show up authentically and intentionally. And I cannot do that from an empty cup – sans strings attached.

Ever so slowly, one step at a time I began to acknowledge and listen to the faint inner voice of kindness and desire within. For far too long she had been pushed aside by negative self-talk, fear and anxiety. 

I followed my curiosity and let it gently guide me to (re)discover the small things that brought me joy like the foods I liked, the music I enjoyed, and clothes that inspired me. I allowed myself to be playful again, to try out new things and make mistakes without beating myself up. I followed the fiery passion within me to explore ways to rekindle my creativity.  

For so long the light had been switched off within me, but, by approaching myself with compassion, curiosity, love and gratitude, I learned to switch it back on and step into my own truth and power. I let myself be – me.

The journey back to myself has been one of both unbecoming and becoming, letting go to be free, and nourishing that what fulfils me. It has been an alluring – albeit tough – catalyst to what is unfolding before my eyes at this moment. 

Sometimes there is no way around what life throws at us, and the only way through it is, well, to go through it with all might and power. I will never let myself fall into that same dark hole again – I’ve filled and patched it up with cemented self-love. And not the superficial kind, but actual deep respect and compassion for my resilience and inner strength.

Today I am fearlessly full of myself. Heck, I want to be so full of myself that I am overflowing, and may that what spills over trickle down and touch the lives of the people around me. 

I am surrounding myself with kind and supportive individuals that I am grateful for. It was through the countless intimate, soul-reaching conversations with my closest friends exploring topics of womanhood, mental health and fulfilment, that I felt compelled to keep these conversations alive. In doing so, I truly hope you find as much empowerment, support and inspiration from them as I do.

In my writing, I share what is possible and how we can choose to regenerate the electricity of our lives to inspire a spark in others to also find their own path. In the most coincidental way that brought our, Chloe’s, Emma’s and mine, stories together to breathe life into this journey. Our lively conversations and brainstorming for the future have filled me up with so much joy, wonder and excitement. 

I still cannot quite wrap my head around the fact that something, which just started as a space to find my own voice through writing, has already led me to co-create with two beautiful souls…

…and that is how this online magazine came to be. To inspire you to embrace the muija that is also within you.

Be full of yourself. 

Love, Lilli