Mindfulness. What does it even mean?

I’ll spare you the google definition, to me it means being more consciously aware of what’s going on right now.

Not thinking about doing other things, being here, in the now.

Noticing sensations in your body, noises you can hear, things you can see, scents you can smell and what kind of thoughts you are having right now.

Breakthrough moment

I will cut to my breakthrough moment in the hope it helps you break-through too.

You can’t control most of what goes on in reality but you can control what you focus your attention on, what thoughts you listen to and what you expose yourself to.

Just as you remain focused on your breath whilst also noticing other sensations in your body in this exercise, you can focus on all of your goodness rather than criticising yourself.

Upgrading from inner critic to inner coach

Through adopting self awareness, compassion, understanding and forgiveness in my life I have been able to release my negative inner dialogue in order to welcome a supportive, kind and encouraging coach. I now consciously create a life free from self imposed limitations and criticism. 

The exercise I have written will allow you to sit with yourself in a supportive and structured way to dig deeper into self criticism. It can be used as a journal prompt, guided meditation or to guide a vulnerable conversation with a trusted friend.

I have been inspired by various guided meditations I’ve done, how I personally engage with my inner child, listening to my own thoughts and feelings, sessions with a psychotherapist, affirmations I’ve used, and self development and spiritual books I’ve read.

It isn’t a one size fits all, it’s important to be led by your mind, body and intuition during this. 

You know yourself best. 

Finding a quiet place to take some time for yourself

Any kind of ‘work’ in this way can be mentally, emotionally or even physically draining. Have some water nearby or a herbal tea, whatever is soothing to you. A note pad and pen at the ready if you like, sitting comfortably. 

Before starting, take stock of how you feel.

With eyes closed or open, take a deep belly breath allowing your belly to expand fully, before letting go and feeling your body relax. Take note of what areas in your body are asking for your attention, if you’re unsure take some more breaths and see if you can notice.

Is it your neck or shoulders, maybe your back or worries in your mind? 

Take your time with this, you deserve it. It might take a few more breaths to recognise these sensations than you think.

Honour where you are right now by watching your breath. How does it feel for your belly to expand fully, can you feel your breath passing through your body as you breathe?

Whatever thoughts or sensations in your body arise in addition to your breath, allow them to be there whilst you focus only on your breath.

This may feel particularly uncomfortable if you’ve not sat with your body and thoughts in this way before. 

If this kind of exercise is new, then be gentle with yourself.

Are you ready?

Ask yourself whether you feel ready for an exercise to look at these self criticisms in more detail. It’s important to give yourself appropriate space, will it be constructive to be in this now or later?

If you are carrying on, acknowledge what sensations have arisen for you, introduce yourself and say hello if this is the first time connecting with your body like this. You could even give yourself a smile if that feels right.

During this, if at any point it feels too uncomfortable you can stop and come back at a later date or return to your breath and taking a break before continuing. 

Stay as long as you want in each part of this, if you feel particularly heavy reading or engaging in one part more than another, you may want to remain for longer or stop completely. 

Upon breathing in, I like to picture my breath as a warm bright light, energising and filling me up. Heavy dark sensations leave my body as I exhale so I can relax, this imagery helps me particularly in waving goodbye to shame and guilt. Some other imagery may be more useful to you.

So, without further ado, we’ve checked in with ourselves and identified sensations in our body, some comfortable and maybe some uncomfortable. 

Make note of these thoughts and sensations if it feels right for you. You could compare to how you feel afterwards, so you can see whether you experienced some release from this exercise. 

What are you nagging at yourself for?

What three things have you criticised yourself for recently? 

Identifying what you are criticising yourself for can sometimes be the hardest part.

If you got at least one written down, take a warm and bright deep belly breath, exhaling any tension in your body. 

As you acknowledge these criticisms, do you notice any change in your thoughts or bodily sensations?

These kind of thoughts bring up a sense of tightness in my body, clenched muscles and tension. Come back to the breath for relief if this feels heavy before continuing. 

Take a sip of your drink, adjust your seated position if you need to.

Well done on taking the first step to look at this in more detail. 

Let’s keep going!

You are not the source of the problem 

Can you identify where you self criticisms come from?

Are you holding yourself to standards that you’ve seen on social media, set by your family or by society? 

There could be many answers to this, there is no right or wrong answer.

If you aren’t sure where it comes from, it could be that this criticising thought isn’t even yours! 

Would you hold other people to the same standards you hold yourself to?

These criticisms orignate from somewhere, be it a comment made by someone in the playground when you were younger, something you picked up from a television show, magazine, a family member or colleague. It could even be from an experience that you might not be able to recall the details of. 

It might be that you are able to pinpoint the exact moment you began to think this criticising thought, maybe it has it’s own whiney voice, or maybe this feels too intense at the moment. 

This thought was picked up and repeated over the years throughout your life experience and it has resided in your consciousness since.

Identifying the source of these thoughts isn’t about blaming others or situations external to yourself, for me it allowed me to recognise that I was not the source of the problem. This helped me to release sadness, shame and guilt that appeared when I acknowledged that my self criticism caused me pain.

Honor and love where you are now by taking in a deep belly breath in which energises and sends love all throughout your body. Exhale out the heaviness that comes along with years of self criticising behaviour. 

Breathing into your belly, you may wish to reassure yourself or your inner child that the source of these thoughts is not you as you exhale and release tension from your body. 

It’s not your fault. 

Protection mechanism

Once upon a time, these thoughts served you, they helped to protect you. 

This is may be uncomfortable to hear if you haven’t shown love and acceptance to these thoughts or this way of thinking before.

I gained a different perspective and felt a lot of relief when I acknowledged that a younger and vulnerable part of me, took on these criticising thoughts to protect herself. 

This younger version or part of me, I label as my inner child.

Understanding the logic of how a younger version of me once protected me has been extremely validating for me, it is from that awareness I began to build trust with myself.

For example, my inner child had observed what happened to the kids at school who didn’t look a certain way and how they were bullied, so she adapted thoughts around that. She would critique her appearance in front of the mirror to protect herself from ever being bullied. 

Setting an intention of gratitude

Taking a warm and bright belly breath, exhaling and allowing yourself to relax before continuing.

Can you identify how these thoughts helped to protect you?

Spend a short moment thinking of ways that these thoughts may have served you in the past. No answer is the right one, there are likely many.

You might not know how they served you at this moment and that’s okay. Be patient and kind to yourself.

Take a deep belly breath in, either sitting in the uncomfortableness of not knowing or the comfort of knowing where these criticising thoughts came from.

Let’s give thanks to our mind and our thoughts for protecting us. 

We’re saying thank you because we are going to take the reins now, our inner child can take a rest from protecting us because we’re in charge. We want to release these thoughts that no longer serve us to make space for more positive and beneficial ones. 

Take a deep breath into your belly allowing it to expand, hold for a second before exhaling slowly. 

Said aloud, in the mind or written down: “Thank you to my mind and thoughts for protecting me. I release my self criticising thoughts.”

You may wish to sit here a little longer, stay for as long as feels comfortable. 

Move on when feels right.

Forgiveness

It might be that in identifying your self criticising thoughts as a protective mechanism, this has brought some relief to you.

Knowing that you didn’t know any better.

“When I know better, I do better.”

Maya Angelou – American poet, memoirist and civil right’s activist

If you would like to go further to release pain self criticism has brought, you can begin with expressing forgiveness to yourself.

Take in another warm and bright belly breath, exhale slowly and relax.

You can say in your mind or aloud “I forgive you. When I know better, I do better.”

Release any heaviness as you exhale and relax. Repeat as many times as feels good.

Sit for as long as you wish here. You’re doing absolutely wonderful.

Releasing guilt and shame

A truck load of emotions can build up from years of a harsh inner critic, upon recognising how they have served us in the past it may become evident to you that these thoughts no longer serve you, as does the guilt and shame attached to them.

Let’s now together release any shame or guilt attached to our self criticising behaviours.

Take another bright and warm belly breath in, holding for three seconds this time, before exhaling and feeling yourself relax. 

Said aloud, in your mind or written down: “I release any guilt and shame connected to my self criticising thoughts.”

Give yourself permission to let it go and relax your body of any tension it might be holding on to. 

It might be that with this exercise other sensations crop up, sadness and upset or something else. Give space to these sensations by allowing them to be there whilst focusing on your breath.

Be patient with yourself particularly if you haven’t done an exercise like this before, there might be a lot that wants to be noticed. 

If it feels right, let’s continue…

Instilling love, kindness and compassion 

If you got this far I’m really proud for you. 

It may be that for you too, criticism has been present and familiar for so long, that it feels uncomfortable to extend the same kindness to yourself that you do to others, you may even be stuck on how to do this. 

Take a deep breath in, if you can, imagine the air filling your belly filling with a warm loving feeling, hold for one second and then release slowly. 

Picture a dear friend who approaches you with the same criticisms of themselves. What do you say to reassure them? 

Let’s go through a few examples of how you can be kind and show compassion to yourself, just as you do for others. 

This isn’t pity, this is soothing yourself and giving yourself comfort. It is part of meeting your own needs. 

You didn’t make it to the gym as much as you wanted this week? 

“It sounds like you have a lot going on right now. Going to the gym is a bonus that I save for when life feels manageable. You could try again tomorrow or next week. Could you head outside for a ten minute walk outside to get some fresh air instead? Have you considered that you need the additional rest from the busy-ness?”

You didn’t eat as healthy as you like this week? 

“Life is all about balance, I hope you enjoyed the food you ate and savoured every bite. Food is fuel to keep us going, eating something is better than nothing, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. If you’re busy at the moment, could you do some meal prep on the weekend before work or could you buy some healthy ready meals to get you through this period of time?”

The irony of advising and helping others is that we often give others the advice we wish to hear, so it may be a particularly useful exercise to write out what kind of reassurances you give to others if you recognise this in your life. 

You know yourself better than anyone, you have been by your side throughout your life, cherish that and use your lived experience to comfort yourself.

Another way to help practice self compassion is by imagining what you would say to a young child, particularly with mistakes.

If a child were to drop a glass on the floor you may say:

• “Whoopsie daisy, let’s pick up the mess, that’s okay, mistakes happen. Well done for clearing up, I’m glad you aren’t hurt, we can replace the glass.”

Using these examples, how can you be more loving, kind and compassionate to your self criticising thoughts?

Checking back in

Before we close out, check back in with yourself. 

With eyes closed or open, take three deep belly breaths, holding gently for a moment before letting go slowly.

How does your body feel now? What about the sensations you made note of before we started?

Does your body and mind feel more at ease having sat with it for a while now?

Did you notice a shift in these sensations during the exercise? If so, at which part?

You are doing wonderful to have followed through with this exercise. I am so proud for you. 

Take any notes you wish, the rest of this piece discusses how you can use elements from this practice in your daily life to replace your inner critic with an inner coach.

Making self love a practice 

To give yourself the compassion you deserve and the space you need as we’ve done above is an invaluable self love practice, which can be done in so many different ways.

You can practice this kind of dialogue with yourself whenever and wherever you want, aloud, in a voice note, in your mind or in a journal. Get creative and find something authentic to you. 

Sitting with yourself gets more comfortable over time. Any emotion, feeling or sensation that crops up to say hello is valid, it deserves space, time and attention too. 

The next time these thoughts crop up, consciously choose to love yourself in these moments, whatever that means for you.

Overtime you will begin to unwind your conditioning and relearn new, conscious, compassionate ways of thinking that feel right for you.

After years of the same habitual thinking it takes time to re-wire however it is possible! 

It might be that when these thoughts next crop up you go to find your journal, type in the notes in your phone, have this kind of back and forth with yourself on paper, call a friend, listen to affirmation audios or come back to deep belly breaths, whatever is grounding and reassuring to you. 

You are worthy of this comfort and reassurance. 

Affirming positive beliefs in place of old ones

“Talk to yourself as you would someone you love.”

Brené Brown – American author, frequent TedTalker and podcast host.

In the same way we can use use negative statements to destroy our self worth, we can use positive affirmations to reaffirm why you are worthy of joy and pleasure your my life to help build self image. 

Affirmations are a huge part of my self care. I have a voice note which includes specific ones that hit home for me which I listen to daily in addition to pre-made youtube ones which I listen to whilst I sleep and get ready.

You may choose to say affirmations aloud, write them down or say them in your mind as a mantra. 

Some of my favourite affirmations relevant to self criticism include:

• I am peaceful with all of my emotions.

• I love and approve of myself. 

• I love and accept myself. 

• I learn and grow from every mistake. 

• I am loving and lovable. 

• I appreciate myself. 

• I welcome in happiness now. 

• I am stronger than my negative thoughts. 

• I find multiple reasons to be thankful everyday. 

• I can get through tough times with compassion. 

• I allow gratitude to ground me in the present moment. 

Using these examples you may want to create your own affirmations relative to your specific self criticising thoughts and behaviours. Simply put, a positive affirmation would likely be the opposite of your criticism.

Mindfulness for everyone

You can’t do this incorrectly. Growth, development, healing, however you want to refer to it, is a practice that takes time, patience, perseverance and consistency. It takes showing up even when it’s uncomfortable. You set the pace. 

In addition to taking more time to yourself, you may wish to further underpin this practice by evaluating whether your current self care is adequate for the emotions, thoughts, sensations and life events you are experiencing. 

There are plenty resources online for affirmations already written to specific self criticising thoughts and behaviours.

Two of my favourite, passive self care rituals that I use are:

• A 12 minute daily gratitude meditation that I either have on whilst I get ready or sit and meditate to whilst wrapped in bed (usually the former).
• Affirmations I listen to at a low volume whilst I sleep to re-program my subconscious limiting beliefs.

These videos have millions of views, read through the comments to see for yourself. (There is no commission or affiliate link used here, these are resources I have found useful in my journey).

I really hope this exercise brought some release or clarity to you, I enjoyed making this so much!

Next week, I’ll be speaking on my intentions going into the new year as I left my corporate accountancy job of 6 years in 2021.

Thursday 30th December 2021.

Save the date!

You can read here more about my journey with self criticism from my piece last week.

P.S. If you’re reading this noticing how kind and gentle I am throughout this exercise, this is how sweet and kind I am to myself. I woke up one day and chose to begin being kinder to myself. You can do this too, right now. #BecomingHerReset2022. 

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Disclaimer: I am not a health care or mental health professional. I share my own experience. The resources I mention are those I have used and found to be a benefit on my own journey. I wish to extend this knowledge to others for free.